28 • 31/03/2022 • 3:04pm
listening to: maria bethânia - yá yá massemba
watching: drag race season 15
reading: clarice lispector - todos as crônicas

god it's been a while.. about 1 year since i last updated this diary and so much has happened, i started doing a makeover for this site a few months ago but i ended up losing my files and got stressed so i never tried it again, but i just wanted to use this time that i'm sick to come here and write about how my life has changed in this last year, cause my 20 year old self would not believe where my life is at right now lmao

well, first of all, after my last entry i changed my psychiatrist and he put me in so much medication.. there was a time i was taking 6 different pills a day, needless to say that that didn't work for much long and ended up changing psychiatrist again, i changed my medication and now i'm "only" on 4, but my doctor wants to get down to about like 1 or 2 to the end of this year..

i spent the entirety of last year worring about what i'd do this year lmao, i went in and out on so many decisions, until i discovered library and information science, and it was love at first sight lmao, i applied for the entrance exam and ended up passing, so now i'm living in florianopolis and having a really great time, i'm meeting new people, my college colleagues are nice and i even met a cute boy i've been talking with for the last 3 weeks or so i'm really enjoying it

in november i traveled to são paulo to go to primavera sound and got to see so many wonderful artists i've been idolizing for ever basically, i got to see bjork, arca, charli xcx, shygirl, sevdaliza, chai, liniker, badsista, beach house, bad gyal.. i had the time of my life and got to do this with my friends which made me so happy.

my life really did changed a lot, and i'm happy for that, i'm really enjoying my course, i'm loving most of my classes, and can't wait to get a job at a library lmao, i want to update this more frequently and maybe restart that whole makeover on the site, also i have a subject about technology and we're gonna make a site about something, i'm probably code in html and use neocities to host it lmao, not doing wix or wordpress that's boring

anyway, kisses from my new life!!
27 • 15/03/2022 • 1:48am
listening to: serena assumpção - iemanjá
watching: true crime youtube videos
reading: bleach, contos africanos dos orixas

i, once again, am coming back after a couple of months in a depressive episode so i can release all of my sadness and thoughts into an internet page no one is ever going to read.. i was trying to sleep but i'm just extremely depressed and anxious, i can't stop thinking about how my life is just... terrible right now, i'm not doing anything and i feel completely useless, the only thing i do is knit and crochet all day.. i dropped out of college cause i realised i actually don't like architecture.. and i'm trying to get into visual arts but i didn't passed, i gotta wait until they call me (if they're ever going to call me), i feel so stupid, so ridiculous, i was just so stupid, i can't even think of words in english to describe how much i hate myself right now, if i had the guts to kill myself i actually would, it feels weird to express my suicidal thoughts but that's actually the truth

i was getting into umbanda and afro-brazilian religions the past couple of months but i have so many insecurities i need to work before i socialize with people again, it was amazing being in the giras i went but i'm still a very introvert person, the only socialization i had in the last 2 years were when i was drunk, and i'm not even kidding, i thought maybe when classes came back i would get used to again but i don't even fucking know if i'll be having classes soon.. i feel so lost and sad.. i want this so so so so bad, i can't even think about how emotional i'm gonna be if i manage to get into art school, i think i'm just gonna end this right here cause i really need to sleep (my sleep is also totally messed up) and if i continue to write i'm just gonna be more depressed

kisses, i guess lol
26 • 06/01/2022 • 6:46pm
listening to: blümchen - du bist die insel
watching: bleach
reading: bleach

hi... it's been the most agitated 3 months of the last 2 years of my life lol, so many things happened and i don't know if i want to write about everything but i felt like i needed to write something, the last entry was right after my birthday, i had a suprise party and stuff it was pretty fun, i went to parties so many times these last couple of months and i had a lot of fun, and met a lot of people, i was so happy that things were starting to get normal again but then the covid situation is getting worse in brazil so everything is getting canceled again, this makes me so sad cause i had so many plans, not only like getting of the house to party and meet people but also i took the decision to apply for a new university and a new course, i still don't know if i passed or not but even if i passed it will probably be online classes, i don't want that for myself no more, i want to have the college experience, especially in this new university, but anyway there's not much i can do..

the same time i want to just write everything it's happening in my life i still want to keep things for myself and not overexpose myself lol, i guess that type of stuff i'll say in therapy instead, so going for a lighter topic i've been kinda obsessed with bleach lately, i was talking with a friend of mine on discord about how good the characters look and stuff and i decided that i wanted to countinue watching from where i stopped, episode 110 (skipping fillers) and i kinda watched 114 episodes in a month lol (kinda scared now that i did the counting..) but like it's just so good.. the character design is on point and the fights are great, i think i've never been so excited for a fight in an anime like i was in ulquiorra vs ichigo lol

i got out of a long genshin impact phase lol, i was since july (?) of last year playing almost everyday, but these last couple of weeks i was so tired, i also got sick like everyone, and i also did the stupidity of going out sick, so all of that led to me being tired of that game, it's so much to do everyday, but the last couple of days i've been playing league of legends with some friends of mine and it's been so fun!! we laugh a lot, listen to music, and lost a lot too lol..

about my ausence in this site.. i think that can be called parental abandonment lol, i even missed the 1 year anniversery of the site, i was building new pages but i kinda got bored, so someday i'll finish it, i just need to get the preassure of myself, i cant build something i like while forcing myself to do it, also i'm really proud of what i did so far, the couple of weeks i worked non-stop on it were sooo fun, can't believe it's been more then a year already, i want to make pages about crochet and knitting, bleach, genshin impact and league if everything goes well, i'm almost finishing bleach's anime so after i do that i'll try to work a lot on it, please look foward to it <3

25 • 14/10/2021 • 00:39am
listening to: sade - smooth operator
watching: halloween
reading: -

oh god so many things happened since my last entry.. i came back to my city with a friend of mine and i had a surprise birthday party, i drank like.. a lot.. for the first time in like.. so many months i had fun with my friends, i also made a spiritual treatment that really moved me, my life was so good in these last couple of weeks but at the same time i felt some type away, something was off, but i don't feel like i deserve to complain, i'm glad tomorrow i have therapy, i have so much to talk about with her, i feel like i'm blinded, don't know why, how, but i just feel like i don't know where i'm stepping.. i think i'm feeling this way cause i missed a few days of my remedy, and since i drank a lot these last couple of days the effect was cut off.. it was fun thought

i still haven't made anything for the site.. when i was traveling i was either studying/doing college stuff or i was at my friend's house watching horror movies, surprisingly i'm not really in the mood for halloween, i usually loveeee halloween, i love october cause its both my birthmonth and spooky season, but i'm just not in the mood..

i need to get to know myself all over again btw, its gonna be hard.. i'll come back into programing new stuff for the site soon!

25 • 29/09/2021 • 09:18pm
listening to: madonna - papa don't preach
watching: mogli
reading: the kiss of the spider woman

'last updated 1 month ago'... well :/ i've been really depressed these last couple of weeks, i'm getting better i guess but i'm still really low energy (?), my cousin made me travel with her and now i'm at my grand-aunts house in the capital, it's nice, i got to see my best friend ana, we went to the beach, i'm getting really stressed about college but it's ok, what makes me happy is that it's gonna me over in 2 months.. i've also been drawing and painting a lot, since now i'm at my grand-aunts house i'm not painting but i'm still drawing, today i didn't watched class, instead i did a little bit of research about fashion, i wanna try again to change my wardwrobe, i'm not happy with the clothes i have, i always wear the same thing, skinny jeans, random t-shirt and jeans jackets that i stole from my mother..

i'm kinda tired.. i think i was supposed to write this a couple of weeks ago when i was almost losing my mind, i think it would be good to write down what i was feeling, but basically i was feeling really alone, my irl friends never respond me and decline my invitations to hang out, i'm glad i got to see ana, i needed that.. i always have like an epifany and i start thinking "i'm gonna change my life, i need to start saying what i think, i need to start being who i really am" but a couple of days later i end up in the same hole i ever was, i think i'm in the worst state i ever was together with 2017 me, i don't know what else to do like... i've tried it all.. i'm so tired of trying to give attention to everything that i like, i already wrote about this here right.. anyway.

for some reason i'm obsessed at madonna's papa don't preach, i can't relate to the lyrics since 1) i can't get pregnant 2) i'm a virgin 3) i don't have a lover, but something about the melancholy is so good.. oh i just remembered, i bought madonna's immaculate collection and confessions on a dance floor in a used store here, i also bought aqua's aquarium, pet shop boys' nightlife and 20 volumes of the first press of vagabond released in brazil :) i remember going to any used store and i always wanted to buy vagabond but 1) it was for adults and there was no way anyone was gonna buy that for me 2) i didn't had any money, but i could buy now and i'm so happy!!! it doesn't have all the volumes but i can buy the individual ones on internet once i have enough money, i need a job..

i think if i had a job i would have less time to think and i would be better, like.. i really think that, but no one wants to hire me, at least i'm now making some crochet to eventually sell if everything goes right, omg there are so many things i wanna talk about, i was making a new interest page but i stopped cause of the trip, but now that my cousin is in another city i can continue, anyway i think thats it..

24 • 23/08/2021 • 5:26pm
listening to: weyes blood - movies
watching: pre-70's movies
reading: ~

this is not really a diary entry more like something i need to get out of my chest by writing down on a semi-public website (cause i know no one i know is reading this but like if they wanted they could), anyway, i need to write about how blue period (the manga) makes me physically ill.. i started reading it last year and i was like oh great! a cool manga about art :D but the things this manga made me feel were so #@$@#%$12... in 2018 i was in the last year of my high school but i was not paying much attention to college and stuff and my family was like you need to go straight to college after you finish high school there's no other choice, even when i was a kid i wanted to study art and eventually become an art teacher, and tbh it was what i wanted in my high school too, but the problem is: i live in a middle size town, with no options for art school, i would have to move out, and i was totally not ready (not sure if i am rn too), i would have to move to the capital of my state, i regret a lot not taking risks and going anyway, fuck it if i'm not ready yet, i would totally break my face but i would be all right too, for a long time i thought oh i don't actually hate architecture, it's nice, it's fine, it's fun! but like... i kinda hate it, the only subject i liked until now in my third year studying is related to either drawing and graphic representation or comfort, and that's it..

last year when i started reading blue period i was really determined to start studying art by myself, i wanted so bad.. but like anything i do i let it go after a couple of weeks.. right now i'm just tired, so tired, cause like i know i have the potential, when i want to do things i can learn them very easily, if i take my time and invest i basically can do anything i want, i feel like, but for some reason i can't focus in anything.. my life is a cicle of doing mediocre stuff all the time and coming back to them every now and then, my theraphist says i'm all or nothing for everything, i already talked about this in here, and i really am, i can't stand the idea of being bad at something, and like this is so ridiculous, i hate myself..

when i read blue period i always think omg that's what i want.. i want to have this experience, i wanna imerse myself in art, architecture is "art" on paper, but like i'm not studying anything about art in architecture, it's bullshit tbh, architecture is basically solving problems, and i hate it so much, i know i have tons of areas i can go to in architecture, but they're all so boring and plain, basically i wanna have another life but i do nothing to change that, i'm so stupid, i can't stand being sad anymore, anything i do i hate it, i'm exausted, i don't even know why i'm feeling like this anymore, i don't know if i'm like this because the weather is starting to get hot again, summer always makes me depressed, but i still love it.. i love how i can wear tiny shorts and short sleeves t-shirts and let the window open.. but it also makes me sad

23 • 14/08/2021 • 06:36pm
listening to: mina - ancora, ancora, ancora/hiroko yakushimaru - main theme
watching: pre-70's movies
reading: ~

things are happening i guess! :D but i feel like i'm living, also, btw i decided this entry is gonna be so abstract no one is gonna understand shit but tbh as i said before, i don't write this for anyone but myself, i also don't think anyone actually reads my entries which is ok.. i left the house for fun this week.. with someone.. i invited him thinking it was gonna be a date but idk if that message portrayed very well, i also didn't said all the things i wanted to say because i was shy (?).. i remember thinking oh i'm just gonna say it we only regret things we didn't do.. there's this famous russian-brazilian artist called elke maravilha, i remember when she died, i was sad cause i never got to see her, she was an icon and there's one tiktok account remembering who she was, there is some videos of her saying "i regret a lot of things, things i did, things i didn't do, there was times i wanted to love, hate and maybes kill someone" i wanna be like her, but i can't, yet, she's like.. unapologetic but not in a way "i'm gonna be myself!!!" but in a way that's almost like she never even thought about what other people might think of her.. it's not like "i don't care about what other people think" but more like "i don't even know what other people think, i don't waste my time thinking about this".. i'm jealous maybe, and the more time i spend inside my house the more i think i'm losing myself and forgeting who i am, i wanted to clear things and say "i like you" but i froze.. a part of me is thinking "omg what if he reads this" and the other part is thinking "i already failed in being like elke maravilha"

i'm sick right now, like, literally, i have a cold and i can't stop coughing, it's so exausting.. i think i got this cold cause last week was starting to get hot again, maybe +-20ºC and this week i slept with a short-sleeve t-shirt.. so sad, i hate winter soooo much, i wanna use short shorts and have my window open, i miss feeling the air throught the window and going outside in flip flops, summer is so magical, i think i can feel my feeling more intensely in it, anyway, i've been into mina lately, a legendary italian singer from the 60's, she's still around but she doesn't show her face anymore, which i think is so misterious, i love when artists retire from public but not from music, she made more interested in italy, well, xx century italy, cause let's face it, italy is not that interesting these days, it could be me that's ignorant but i feel like europe was so amazing last century and now it's just.. bland and boring, well.. except for pop music i guess, roisin murphy, robyn, sophie ellis-baxtor, girls aloud etc are really good, but like.. italy has nothing lmao, if you search "italian singers" it will show you mina and pavarotti lol, but italian movies are fun (the old ones, again, i'm not really interested in anything italian from the last 20 years)

well my sister is coming here at my dad's house so we can watch some old movies lol, i'm gonna leave this here, i don't think i have anything else to write, i was thinking of creating a page for specific posts, not diary, cause when i'm writing here i try to talk about my days, i wanna write more specific things like what i thought about certain album or some random thoughts about something, lmao anyway someday i'll make things right in this poor website

22 • 25/07/2021 • 00:43am
listening to: ryuichi sakamoto - 美貌の青空(original)/akiko yano - 青い山脈
watching: anything that has violet chachki
reading: i cant read

my semester has begun and so did the living hell, just joking, it's actually fine, i was actually terrified of coming back into making architectural projects cause it's been a years since my last project but i'm trying to be calm, i discovered that the my teatcher was gonna be one teacher i don't really like but i talked a lot about it on therapy and i'm learning to deal with it and discovered that a lot of the things i don't like about him are actually insecurities i have about myself projecting on someone else.. also, my partner this semester is a girl i don't know, since i'm in a class i don't know anyone i'm really insecure, they don't talk much, i guess it's cause their class started right before covid happened so they didn't had a lot of time to do all the college thing like going to pubs skipping class fucking up when you need presence and all that shit, i miss that.. i was very happy in 2019, since no one talks about anything in the group chat i try to talk a little, since i don't know anyone i kinda don't have nothing to lose right

this thursday i had therapy and it was great, i had a 3 week break from therapy due to schedule problems (?) so i had a lot to talk about, so much that i'm going again next week, my usual meetings are in 2 weeks break, basically about college and me not really knowing myself and pushing myself too hard on things, she says i'm too "8 or 80" that means i'm always in a all or nothing situation, i'm either gonna start something and hyperfixate myself into it and become the best right away (never happens because it's actually impossible) or i'm gonna give up after 3 days, and i think it's very true, this site is an exemple of that, i'm not dissapointed at it i'm just never in the mood basically, it's a shame i don't keep up with it as often as i did a couple of months ago, but i'm proud of it, it took me a long time to built it, my only regret is not keeping up with the film log page, i made it in a time where i watched so many movies i couldn't even keep up with it, but now i'm not watching anything (again, all or nothing), this happens a lot tbh, for exemple, here are the amount of movies i logged into my letterboxd each month of this year: january (46), february (4), march (23), april (41), may (15), june (4), july (1, as of now), do you see a pattern? cause i do lol, also in music, but i'm not gonna bring my lastfm into this lol.. so basically i need to stop being all or nothing but i kinda don't know how, like i get it when i'm trying new things i shouldn't push myself into being the best at it right away but what should i do in these types of situations? i feel like unconsciously i try to find identity in what i consume in order to know who i am (that sounded cheesy as hell) but it's true, like i'm not extremely mad about it but it's something that bothers me.. for a long time in my head the image of a blade going through my neck, me taking a bunch of pills, jumping from the top of my psychiatrist's building, or even wanting to sleep and never wake up again appears out of nowhere, i talked about this with my therapist as well and she said it's not actually suicidal thoughts cause i don't actually make plans about it but more like "i wanna dissapear" situation, i have a hard time talking about this so what better place to start then here, the purgatory of my mind...

so after i talked about me not wanting to fixate myself over artists and media let me talk a little bit about my current obssessions :D RYUICHI SAKAMOTO, i'm actually obsessed with him, such a legend, he makes me extremely SAD, kinda the feeling i get when i used to read blue period (that i actually had to stop reading cause if i kept reading i'm sure i would k!ll myself), him and violet chachki are the two people i think that got it what it means to express and inovate, i know it's a weird comparision but i get the same feeling from both of them, like actually talented with a strong vision and concept in mind, knows what they're doing and are not affraid to present to the world, like they're not trying to reinvent the wheel but they kinda did, in a sense that they're not actually pushing themselves into being the best they just are, or they're trying to be the best but not like the best in a group of people but the best that they can be, if that makes any sense at all.. and i wish i was like that, often times i catch myself thinking if i'm not the best then why bother.. i know i have the potential, shameika said it.

this was kinda heavy but hey this is my place i make the rules, i want just to drop anything my mind has to offer into this, and this is what it has to offer these last couple of weeks

21 • 21/06/2021 • 7:22pm
listening to: girls aloud - jump
watching: ~
reading: smoke gets in your eyes, veronika decides to die

wheew.... so anyways let's just pretend my 1 and a half month break didn't happened! just kidding i kinda have to talk about that cause i guess i'm gonna divide this into sections of things i want to talk about.. here we go:

crochet: a few days after i posted my last entry i went to my grandma's house and she was crocheting a blanket for my sister, i said oh teach me a little, i wanna learn, she thought me how to do the chain and how to hold, she said, go home and practice, tomorrow you show me what you did, i went home to practice and i got used to the chain really quick and i wanted to try more, so i searched tutorials on the internet and kinda got obsessed, i learned all the basic stitches and i've been crocheting nonstop since then, i still wanna learn knitting, i got the basics but i need to buy yarn and thinner needles, i got lucky since my mom's side of the family is all crafty since forever, all my grandaunts were art teatchers, seamstresses and loved doing manual work like this, so i got my grandaunt's (neide) to learn, she was amazing, she painted a lot and i really love all of her paintings (the ones i've seen) i love finding stuff while digging deep into a pile of old stuff in my family's house, it's sooo much, i pretend to make a page for my crochets, i said i'd do that once my semester is over but i kinda don't do much already.. it's just me pushing things to later, but i will make a page for my crochets!!! i promise..

death: i know this topic looks a little weird but stay with me.. i had saw a few videos from caitlin doughty (ask a mortician) and i thought oh this is cool, but idk why a couple of weeks ago i started watching a lot of her videos, and my interest in death has been increasing, i'm even reading a few books about it (gasp! (even thought i've been veronika decides to die for ever)), but it's kinda fascinating understanding and learning about death, my first experience was when a granduncle died, at the time i forced myself to cry, i was sad but i didn't really wanted to cry, i guess i didn't even understood what death was, but everyone was doing it and i thought oh i think i should to that too.. my parents didn't let me go to the funeral, it was sad i couldn't see him one last time, my second experience was when one of my grandaunt died (yes, i have a lot of grandaunts), it was a really crazy night, i remember she died on a thursday, my mom didn't want me to go to school the next day but i said i wanted to go for some reason, she was amazing, i have good memories of her, she used to make maria-mole (a brazilian desert) when we went to her house, her death was kinda tragic but i don't wanna talk about it here, understanding mortality and stuff makes me feel good, i'm gonna die one day, you too!! how cool is that, something no one in the world can avoid, we all have to deal with death, it can be someone from your family, a friend, a singer you like, if i can understand death i can live life a little bit better... i guess?

music in general: okay based on my last.fm my last obessions were twice, djavan (brazilian music in general i gues.. i was making a playlist for a friend of mine), secret and right now, girls aloud lol, twice made a comeback and i really loved it, i don't know if i liked the song cause it's actually good or if i'm just too blindly in love with twice that i can accept anything they make, the mini album is actually amazing, they always have the best bsides.. my favourite is baby blue love and sos, djavan is a little tricky, he's the type of singer in brazil that everyone knows, he's legendary but i, myself only knew a couple of his songs, so i searched a bit and he's kinda amazing, he served looks, androgyny and pure sophisti-pop in the 80s, i kinda didn't wanted to like him cause after bolsonaro was elected he posted on instagram a really shitty message that we should be hopeful and shit, well, look where we are now right? 500.000 people died in brazil because bolsonaro didn't wanted to take any action against covid, but anyway.. and secret, a legendary k-pop girlgroup i never really stopped to listen, and they're amazing!! i'm in love with jun hyoseong and her solo work (she killed it here), i'm a big fan of sexy concept in k-pop for girl groups, i think it's classy and i wish we had more right now, i think i'm gonna make a page like a blog, like entries with specific topics not a diary cause i guess this isn't really a diary right?

i had a lot of phases in this last month and i'm not gonna manage to talk about all of it, but that's basially what i've been into these last couple of weeks.. crochet, death and sexy girl groups.. i'm gonna try again to come back into this site, i've put so much work on it and now it's getting dusty

20 • 12/05/2021 • 06:18pm
listening to: lee sang eun - bohemian
watching: another homo movie by gregg araki
reading: ~

i just came back from the gym and i have some free time before class so i thought i would write a bit (and it's been a long time since i last wrote here but anyway), my life is kinda crazy not gonna lie.. my mom moved and i spent this weekend helping her, but her ex boyfriend is back and i kinda hate him so i'm spending some time in my dad's house, also, i'm reforming my room here, i (finally) changed the position of my wardrobe i've been wanting to take that think out for like YEARS and my dad never let me cause "it's good wood" lmao, but i managed to change his mind finally..

i'm also dieting and keeping up with gym, i'm working out a lot and i'm seeing changes on my body, it's so cool lol, also, i feel really good when i'm eating well, a lot of vegetables and not eating junk food.. i guess i'm trying to live a healthier life and it's paying off, i'm feeling kinda better..

the cold weather is back :( i hate it, the worst part of living in one of the coldest areas of brazil, but not worse then having a lot of neo-nazis living here.. i took a break from watching movies for like 5 days and i already felt the difference, i was so used to watching it everyday, when i take a few days off my concentration starts falling apart and i become really distracted watching movies, but anyway, i watched 'tom of finland' (i swear i'll try to update my film log page), it was ok but i felt it was really washed up and not showing the erotic part of his work, i'm trying to be more in touch with my sexuality but it's kinda hard after so many years of repression lol, i guess that's part of most of gay people's life, even like saying out loud and demostrating to the world that i have libido and sexual desires is weird to me, but that will change i hope so..

i'm obsessed rn with old korean music and gregg araki's movies, i mean, my gregg araki phase is kinda fading away and i lost the oportunity to write about it here but i'll try to talk a little bit, but starting with korean music!! i was revisiting light and salt's fairy of shampoo since the k-pop group txt made a cover, i already listened to a bit of old korean music like ssaw (which originally was kim hyun sik's band (and light and salt members were in it)) and i started looking for more artists, i already knew a couple of them like kim hyun sik, lee sang eun, jang pil soon, kim hyun chul, kim sang chul, etc, but i never like listened to any of their albums, so i started listening and i became OBSESSED, like, i like city pop and stuff but tbh korea was making better songs in the late 80's/early 90's then japan lol, (not applied to the 70's and early 80's), and the fact some people call this type of music that came from korea from that time "korean city pop" is kinda irritating to me but i kinda don't know why lol, anyway i made a twitter account to share some of these hidden gems i'm discovering and talking a bit about them, you can access it here: @pierrotslaugh, now coming to my gregg araki phase pretty quickly cause i need to eat and i have class soon lol, i wanted to watch nowhere (1997) for a while but i didn't know it was gonna be that good, i watched mysterious skin on the same day, it's kinda funny how gregg araki is the steriotype of kool alternative guy that listens to cocteau twins and slowdive and he portrays that in his movies all the time, the gay plots mixed with a bit of body horror/gore and sci-fi and kinda amazing, my favourite movie i've watched from him is 'totally fucked up' (1993), it was so so so so amazing and james duval looks sooooo good.. i kinda want a boyfriend like him cause he's so good looking, i spent the entirety of the movie taking screenshots lmao and he's on my twitter profile pic for like 20 days now (my record)

i guess that's it, i wrote this in like 20 minutes so i'm sorry if you can't understand shit and my english is terrible, that's life

19 • 24/04/2021 • 08:24pm
listening to: ryo fukui - it could happen to you
watching: the haunting of bly mansion
reading: ~

i'm not feeling the best, i guess i already had better saturdays in my life, i'm feeling a little slow but also paying more attention to the moment, that's not necessarily a bad thing but it makes me think a lot and that's when i get kinda depressed lol, but what can you expect living in the worst country possible am i right.. i genuinely don't know how i'm still standing in this situation, but anyways, i thought i would write a little bit about how was my week as i listen to some ryo fukui, really like him.

the week started pretty ok, i decided to drop my subject that i was stuggling with, i'm gonna do it next year, so i didn't had much to do, my subjects are all up to date, i was nice in every test i had so i'm feeling confident, started waking up early since i took a sleeping pill sunday early night and i came back to gym on monday, it was nice, i have a lot of pain in my muscles but it's part of it, specially when you skipped 1 and a half months of training, it's nice, the only activity i have in my life that's not in my house, makes me feel alive again (as in the real world).

i sold my seventeen (k-pop group) albums, i'm not the biggest fan of seventeen anymore and i want some money to restore my room a bit, i wanna put posters of movies i like, buy a cool lamp, maybe a chair, idk.. since my mom is gonna move (again) and i'll probably not spend much time in her new apartment i thought i'd make my room in my dad's apartment better looking, after my parents slipted up i ended up having two rooms but none of them is good looking i guess, also, i with the money i got from the albums i bought 4 vinyl records, i updated them this week on my collection page (see interests page to see), i was really happy i found black box's dreamland, ride on time is one of my favourites house songs and it means a lot to mee i guess..

i didn't watched any movie this week, only matrix last night with my dad and my sister, i only watched the last hour tho since i had the rupaul's drage race finale to watch (it was pretty bad, but i'm happy symone won), also, last night i started watching the haunting of bly mansion with my sister (she said i was gonna like it but i'm finding pretty boring), this week i explored a lot of ambient music.. it was great, loved julianna bardwick's 'the magic place', it really spoke to me for some reason, i like the interpretation of ambient music as something that you can lost yourself into paying attention to it or you can listen to it in your daily basis, the music that you can both pay the most attention and also the music that blends perfectly with the background, that's so interesting to me.. haruka nakamura's still life was also an album i fell in love this week, i never heard any solo piano work before, and it was amazing, love how you can hear the sounds of the hand in the keys and the pedal, it makes so much more personal and calming, it helps me going to sleep..

as i said before, i'm not feeling very well, i guess i'm gonna take a hot shower (it's getting cold again) listening to enya, put on clean pajamas and see some random horror movie with my cat louie, she loves sleeping with me when i have a nice blanket, also, she's much better now three weeks after her castration, poor thing she must've been so scared, but anyways, she's better now and that's what matters right.. it was nice to take a few minutes to write, it always relaxes me and it's a fun time with myself, i love searching for pictures, putting my favorite song at the moment and whatever...

18 • 18/04/2021 • 4:57pm
listening to: gal costa - vaca profana
watching: slashers
reading: innocent rouge

oops.. i did it again, another month without updating, but that's fine, as i said for about dozen of times here i don't wanna force myself into writing when i don't feel like it, last weekend i thought oh i will use this weekend into updating my neocities but i totally failed, this month was fine but i'm having a lot of work to do because of college, it's nice to have something to do and keep my mind busy, cause when i don't have anything to do i feel really bad for not being productive, and when i have things to do i feel like i enjoy my hobbies a lot more..

speaking of hobbies, i've been watching a lot of horror movies lately, and i really want to make a horror theme page here, i have a couple of idead in my head, hope i can start working on it this weekend, i want to put my favorites or whatever, i'm still watching the slashers series like halloween, scream, friday the 13th, etc.. last halloween i watched a lot of f13th movies but i haven't finished the series yet..

i finally deleted my "personal" twitter account!! it was a bless omg i wanted to do that for a while, i followed my irl friends on my regual account, the reason i did two accounts in the first place was because i didn't wanted to "bother" my friends with my interests, which sounds kinda dumb (because it is), but i've been picked on my whole life for my interests, i never had friends with the same interests as mine, and it can be a little lonely, so i decided to keep one account for my irl friends and one for my interests, but turned out i only used my interests account, but fuck it, i followed my irl friends and if they don't want to see k/j-pop on their tl they can soft block me right? we still follow each other on instagram lmao.. anyway i think that's it, i don't wanna extend it too much cause i wanna work on other things in my neocities now..

17 • 21/03/2021 • 5:32pm
listening to: ichiko aoba - the rain from light and shadow
watching: not much tbh
reading: morangos mofados

i think i'm gonna try start writing everyday, even if the entries come off a little short that's ok, sometimes i get up to 1 hour writing an entry so that can be kinda exausting, this site made 5 months anniversary couple of days ago!!! :) so happy, i'm kinda not updating lately cause i'm really unstable, sometimes i wanna code 300 pages and write about everything of my life and sometimes i just wanna play some genshin impact and sleep (lately), i'm actually on class rn as the time i'm writing this but i'm not understanding even a bit of what my professor is saying, i'm watching all the classes since the beggining of the semester so i can put everything on my book and eventually learn more, it's going fine, i'm writing a lot on my book and the classes are not so exausting since i watch them on 1.5 speed lol

this weekend i watched britney's documentary and omg.. i feel so sad for her, she's such a sweet person and you can tell by the 00s videos that she loved being on stage, it's so sad that her life is not on control anymore, i'm hoping that all of this will end soon.. #freebritney

my reading schedule is kinda slowing down, after reading one book in almost 48 hours and ending one book i've been procrastinating for almost 6 months, but i'm still reading, but not on that speed anymore.. i think that's it, as i said i wanna write short entries and update more

16 • 08/03/2021 • 08:56pm
listening to: enya - boadicea
watching: takashi ito's short films
reading: o ovo apunhalado

i recieved a really cute message on my guestbook!! it really made me tear up lol, it's by amrita, i wish i could respond to you properly but i guess this is the only way they can see it, thank you so so so much!! it was so cute, i encourage you to try making a neocities page!! it's really fun and if you have any difficulty you can always send me a message on any social media asking for help!! i would be glad to help, i'm sending you another big hug and i hope you're doing allright too!!

i'm on my grand-aunt right now, she's pretty fun and i'm having a good time here, i guess, i'm playing a lot of genshin impact (like.. everyday), it's a fun game, i was saving primos to get hu tao but i got qiqi instead :( anyway.. the situation on the city i live is pretty hard right now with the coronavirus, there's a lot of cases so my relatives don't want us to come back, i don't know if i can be here for much longer cause i only have a week of pills with me, but i'll figure it out.. yesterday i watched a lot of short movies and fist of fury with bruce lee, the short movies were great, i loved takashi ito's ones, it reminded me of a friend of mine, one time in 2016 she sent me a song with some short movies by takashi ito on the background, at the time i loved it but i didn't searched about who made the footage on the video, on saturday i found out about him and on sunday i found out he was the one that made the short movies, it was nice, i got a little emotional reminding about that friend of mine, we met on twitter in 2016 and got really close, she's from my city but we didn't saw each other until like 2018 (?), we used to talk a lot on messanger and stuff, we would always send each other music links and talk about extremely random things, she still lives on my city but i have a hard time keeping touch with people so we are not that close anymore, and we can't even see each other anymore because of the virus..

my whole life my friendships depended a lot on school, like, living school with a person is basically forcing you two to be close, you will see your friend everyday for a while, so you become close, that's what i always did, i made friends with people on my school who already had their group of friends, so when vacation came the person would hang out with their friends i was left alone, that happened a lot but i didn't think it would still happen even when i'm on college lol, in 2019 i started going out a lot and met a lot of people, made friends with people from my class and we would go to the academic bars a lot, but when vacation came i was left alone again, it was all going back to normal when the pandemic came, i didn't saw any of my friends for almost a year, i also stopped taking my medicines on may (?) and i got really messed up, i couldn't do anything i had to do from collage, that's one of the reasons i stopped college on the second semester last year, but like, all of that would be ok if i still was in touch with my college friends right? but i wasn't, i could have handled it so much better but i didn't, and i still have a lot of difficulty making friends in real life, and the more time passes i feel like i'm becoming some sort of character that exists on internet..

it's funny that some short films from 4 decades ago made me feel this way, but i'm happy i externalized, i'm not feeling bad about it, it's just something that cross my mind quite a lot and i wanted to write about it here..

about my site, i still want to make a few new pages like the film log i was doing, but i watched so many movies on january i feel like i have soooo many things to write hahaha, eventually i'll get there, i watched almost anything on february so i'm almost finishing, i wanna update my gallery and playlist page, i think they're so cute i don't wanna abandon them lmao, also, since my classes came back i don't have all the time i had before, even though i'm still not so busy cause i'm not taking project classes, but i know eventually i'll be running to finish everything in time and not fail on anything lol, anyway i think that's it!! i feel like i have more to write about but i think it's best to leave it to therapy lol..

15 • 26/02/2021 • 1:08am
listening to: mitski - washing machine heart
watching: ~
reading: anything on my new kindle

heyy, it's been a while right, so let me organize what i want to write first hahaha, ok, so my last entry was before carnival i guess, if you're not from brazil you have no idea how depressing this carnival was, it's a time of the year where everyone is happy that they have a whole week to party, meet friends, kiss strangers, or even stay home watching movies and eating some good stuff but this year was different since we all needed to stay at home, i spent my carnival at a farm with my family, i went cause i didn't want to be alone cause my sister was traveling idk and my mom was spending with her friends, i thought it was going to be boring but it wasn't!! on saturday i spent the whole dawn with my granduncles and my father drinking beer and gossiping about our family, it was pretty fun, and when i got home my kindle arrived!! :D

i was so excited to read something on my kindle so i downloaded a ton of books lmao, i read 'the vegetarian' by han kang in like 3 days, that's insane giving by how much i read on a daily basis, i think reading on electronic devices is so much more confortable to me, i don't know, i feel like there's always light missing when i'm reading physical books, and that's definetly not a problem with kindle, i stopped for a while now but i pretend to come back to reading, i don't want kindle to be something i buy and then i forget it exists, it was expensive and i wanna use it as much as i can.

i had to stop gym cause i'm spending some time with my grandaunt that has lung problems, her dog died a few weeks ago and i want to spend her birthday with her, i think it's gonna be great, we're gonna watch movies, eat well and have a lot of laughs i hope, i miss her so so much and last time i spend time with her was literally more then a year ago, so i'm excited to see her :), also, i'm starting to notice some changing in my body, it's nice and it motivates me to keep going hehe, i started writing on afternoon but now is 1am lol i totally forgot i was writing here, so i guess that's it, i'll try to update more regularly on my travel.

14 • 09/02/2021 • 5:46pm
listening to: charli xcx - pink diamond
watching: documentary and bbb
reading: the death and life of great american cities

i think a 10 day break is gonna be the normal thing right now, i don't wanna push myself to writing when i don't feel like it and it seems like 10 days are the break good enough to make me experience things that make me feel like writing, anyways, i came back to collage, i know i wrote here that i was going to fight for visual arts but i had a deep conversation with my cousin and she made me realise that the best decision right now is to finish architecture the fastest way possible and move on, there's a lot of money being invested in this and i need to make it be worth it, last week was my first week of classes so i'll probably have less time to update this site :( it's sad cause the past two months i let this go a lot and i haven't been updating a lot, but that's ok i guess, i'll come back when i'm ready.

big brother brasil started, and even thought i don't wanna write a lot about here cause i'm writing in english and i'm sure everyone in this site that's not brazilian will have no idea what i'm talking about and explaining everything that's happening to people that are not keeping up with the show is gonna be really tiring (and in fact, useless, cause i don't think anyone is reading this), but all of this is making me really negative, it's so toxic omg.. but things are getting better i guess (gilberto and sarah top 2!), and also, i'm keeping up with both drag race us and drag race uk (perfect for my mental stability), (spoiler alert!) i'm really sad that tamisha went home, i think it was the worst episode that the show had in a while, i'm not really enjoying druk either, i'm rooting for bimini and tayce but i don't think bimini is gonna until the end, and i'm pretty sure lawrence is gonna win anyway..

i'm reading 'the death and life of great american cities' by jane jacobs for my urbanism class and omg.. that woman is fierce, i feel like she's gonna jump out of the book and scream 'i fucking hate you le corbusier', but it's really good, i love how she has a point and does not let go of it cause it's what she believed, and i'm not passed the page 30 yet lol, i have a little bit of difficulty reading books, it's a lot of words smashed together and i have a hard time imagining things too, so creating a atmosphere in my head is really hard for me, that's a reason why my drawing are never planned, i have a really hard time imagining what i want to put on paper, i think i need to work on that but i have no idea how.

i'm also watching a lot of documentaries lately, the discomentary that the queens made on rpdrus made me want to see more, even though i knew a bit about house music's history i didn't knew much about disco, so i watched one documentary about the beggining of house music and its disco's influence, and another one about electronic music in general, it was pretty fun, and i love watching documentaries when the people talking are people that have so much passion about the subject, in fact, one of the documentaries is directed by a brazilian woman of korean descent that's based now on new york (i don't know if she's still in new york now in 2021 but i know she used to, her name is iara lee.. it's nice to see brazilian people's work, in fact, i wanna se more of eduardo coutinho's documentaries, i loved so so so much 'master building' (in fact is on my favorite movie page, on the interest page)

i'm going to the third week in a roll not missing a day on the gym haha, i'm already noticing diferences in my body, my neck feels thinner and my arms feel thicker lol, it's nice and i feel really good after a really tiring day, my body is releasing good hormones :D, and i'm really motivated, i'm eating well, the only thing i need to change is the time i wake up, i was used to waking at 9am but i don't know why i'm waking 12pm, not really good for me but ok, i think that's it for today, i wrote a lot compared to last times, that's good i guess..

13 • 31/01/2021 • 08:56pm
listening to: sophie - t.k.o. ft. charli xcx
watching: godzilla
reading: ~

10 days break again, lol, i feel like i'm kinda letting this site go away little by little but that's not what i wanna do at all, i'm working on my film log page but it's hard since i've been watching a lot of movies and writing is hard, so i don't keep up with the writing and watching at the same time, i finished the first month of 2021 watching 46 movies, it's impressive tbh, i never watched this much movies in a month and usually my phase only lasts like 1 week or so.. right now i'm trying to watch all of the godzilla's movies, it's a lot and i don't know if i'll manage to watch all of them but it's being fun, something about gigantic monsters tearing cities apart is so much fun, the only thing i'm not enjoying is the amount of black face on the older movies, but anyway, mothra is a queen..

unfortunately my drag race phase came back, i knew it as soon the season 13 and uk season 2 started my phase would come back lol, right now i'm rooting for tamisha, utica and gottmik for season 13 and for bimini bon-boulash and tayce for uk season 2, i thought about making a page to comment about the new episodes but i haven't started anything yet, coding is hard and tiring lol, i wasted all my energies on october and november hahaha, anyways..

i'm almost letting my decision of moving to art school go, i feel like if i finish architecture first i will have both more maturity to make my decision about arts later and have the opportunity to sustain myself working and studying at the same time if i do decide to go to art school, i'm still really young and i'll try not to rush myself, i have plenty of time to decide what i want to do, right now i feel like i just need to push myself into learning the most i can and keep myself producing, i'll try not to let art go tho, i don't want to stop drawing with charcoal and painting, something that kept me very happy for the last couple of weeks.

yesterday i woke up with the terrible news of sophie's passing, i'm so so so sad, i just saw a thread of unreleased songs by her on twitter and even tho i never listened to them i got really emotional listening for the first time, it's so sad that an artist like her passed away so soon, she was so talented, totally visionary and i'm sure her contributions to contemporary music will be remembered for decades, i hope i can continue to discover what this incredible artist has made, r.i.p. angel.

12 • 20/01/2021 • 11:30am
listening to: depeche mode - dangerous
watching: anything by agnès varda
reading: ~

again, an almost 10 days break from writing here, it's ok, i'm still trying to go easy on myself, i'm still drawing a lot with charcoal (postin almost everything on my twitter and/or instagram) and as you can see, my depeche mode phase hasn't passed yet, i almost didn't listened to any music this week cause i was watching a lot of movies, especially agnès varda's ones, her short movies are amazing, my favorite so far is 'salut les cubains', a documentary about cuban revolution and a little bit about the country's history, only with images took by agnès on her trip to havana, so good, my god.

my father is on a trip right now, he's really interested in motorcycles and his dream was always to make a big trip to another countries in america latina, unfortunately, because of the covid thing, brazil's borders are closed, so he decided to travel inside brazil, i know he's somewhere far far away from where we live but he seems to be having a good time, i wanted to stay a while in his house alone but after the second day i felt so lonely lol, i came to my mother's apartment but things are not as good as i wanted to be.

i don't know, i'm ~starting~ to have my doubts about art, i don't wanna be that person that had already finished an art inclined course and always talks about how they regret it, just like my cousin, she always said i was prohibited by her to do cinema, cause it was too painful to live working in cinema in brazil, i wonder, will i be like that if i manage to finish art school? living with an minimun wage working as an pre-school teacher hating my job and regreting not finishing architecture, i'm still pretty young so i think, wouldn't be ok if i did my best to finish architecture and go to art school in like 2025? i will be a lot more mature i hope and hopefully i'll not starve :), idk, is it worth? the thought of 'i'm only 19' is easily mixed with 'i'm ALREADY 19', and on top of that my therapist extended her vacations until february 2nd lol.. anyway i'm working on a few changes on my movie page, i'll try to make a film log and make a little review about every movie i watch, it's gonna be tough but i'm down to this challenge, and hopefully develop a little more my writing skills.

tvxq's yunho made a comeback a couple of days ago, he's one of my favorite artists and i'm really happy that he made a comeback with film inspired mvs, the title track, thank u, is obviously inspired by hong kong and yakuza cinema, and i love both so much, the mini album is great, still not better than 'true colors' (which is a 10/10 only for this) but still, anything that makes me see yunho and changmin is something to make me happy lol

11 • 11/01/2021 • 10:41am
listening to: depeche mode - never let me down again
watching: twilight saga
reading: given

last week was great, my friend came over to my house and spent all week with me, we watched movies, she cooked a lot (i just love your food so much ana (/▽\*)。o○♡), and drank too lol, it's sad that she already left, but i'll keep the memory of this week with a lot of love..

today i woke up feeling like shit, in contrast to the amazing week i had lol, i was hungry, there was no one home and the house was extremely dirty, i always clean everything but today i felt so irritated, i ended up sleeping all night and came over to my dad's house, he's gonna travel in a couple of days and i'm thinking about spending some time here alone, i wanna paint and draw a lot in this time, i just think i'm gonna miss my pets a lot :(

i'm in a HUGE depeche mode phase, i'm just so h***y for dave gahan, it's weird to write that down cause usually i'm not much of a sexual person but i'll try to change that in 2021. enjoy the silence, never let me down again and photographic are my favorite songs so far, i'll try to listen to their entire discography, and tbh i feel like they are gonna be my 2021 obsession, usually in january i get into something that i base my personality on the entire year, it happened in 2018 with darkwave and dreampop, 2019 with teresa teng, 2020 with kylie minogue, and possibly 2021 with depeche mode, i don't like being like this but i can't help it lol

i don't have a lot of things to say this week, i think everything that i want to say it's best to say to my therapist lol (next week!! fingers crossed), the good thing is that i'm taking my medicine every day!! i haven't skipped for a few weeks now, i can see the diference but i still feel very apathetic, it can be for the use of acohol and weed in the past week, i also skipped gym today, so i think all these things are leading to that.. but everything will turn out fine i guess

10 • 02/01/2021 • 01:12pm
listening to: depeche mode - enjoy the silence
watching: ~
reading: random bls

happy new year everyone!! i hope this year is gonna be better for everyone, personally i don't know if i can take another year of pandemic.. my first day of the year was pretty bad, i got really drunk because a couple of my sister's friends came over and i got really excited lol last time i drank with friends was like 7 months ago i guess, but anyway i'm kinda better now, just hungry, yesterday it felt so much like a sunday so today i'm like what?? it's saturday?? my brain is not processing it right i guess.

i took some time out from painting and drawing, i'll spend some time on my mom's place so i guess i'll need to get my supplies, i really don't want to fuck it up this time, i wanna get better!!! i got some money so i'll probably go shoping next week and get a couple of new paints, a acrylic medium and some canvases, my friend was supposed to come to my town this week cause my dad was gonna give her a ride but today i woke up with the news that she wasn't awnsering her phone, so i don't really know what's going on, i hope everything is ok

i'm obsessed with 80's british synthpop, enjoy the silence and a little respect are on repeat on my apple music, i love enjoy the silence's atmosphere, it's so dark and at the same time electronic, they really blended the two genres really well.. also, i'm reading a couple of bls, i read 'ao no flag' after i finished 'blue period' and i needed something 'similiar' to read, not my favorite manga but i really liked the first half *SPOILER ALERT!* i really didnt liked the ending, what the fuck? they are just gonna show one page of them together without even explaining what happened after 54 chapters? anyways, i also read 'go for it, nakamura', really cute short coming-of-age and totally relatable for any queer person i guess, even though i didn't had a similiar experience on high school lol, i totally remember the feeling of finding some guy cute and not really understanding what was going on.

it's been a while since i last worked on a page for this site, i uploaded my movies page a couple of weeks ago and i haven't been working on anything else since D:, but i want to make a page for horror movies and for mangas, i also want to update my playlists! omg i made so many stuff for this site in such a short period of time it's kinda crazy, i just need to manage to update them more frequently, for the manga page even though i haven't read many mangas my experience with it is being great, i want to talk about how i started reading and my favorite ones, also, i got really into bls, i never really liked and read/watch bls cause i thought it wasn't "accurate" (so stupid lol) but i don't really care now, i just wanna read cute stories with people discovering themselves and having cute romance stories, i'm so needy lol.

anyways i think that's it, this entry is not so long but i just wanted to wish everyone a happy new year, i'll try to update my diary more frequently even if that means i'll not make long entries anymore.

9 • 24/12/2020 • 02:52pm
listening to: miyuki nakajima - keshou
watching: ~
reading: blue period

it's been ten days.. omg i think that's the longest i've been without updating my diary, but that's ok i just didn't felt like writing this sunday so i decided to skip a few days, right now it's christmas eve, i'm on my mother, we're gonna spend today here and tomorrow on my father's house, yesterday i didn't took my medicine so today i'm extremely dizzy and i feel like i got a hangover, i think i already talked about this on here, it's the worst feeling ever, i just had a little friction with a neighbour and i'm already a little stressed/irritated/anxious on christmas eve, that's great, i hate this kind of stuff omg, anyways, i'm gonna try not to absorve this.

i finished the existent translated chapters of blue period, my heart is shattered, i have a bittersweet feeling when i get this emotionally attached to a story, it happened this year with avatar tlab too, but it's kinda amazing how a manga reminded me of how much i love art and how much i love to learn new stuff, i feel like my plastic bubble just popped and now i want to do so many things, i feel like i'm back in 2016 again except now i have much more knowledge, so i know myself much better then i did back then, i had so much drive to learn new stuff and i wasn't affraid to make mistakes and look dumb (cause i really looked really dumb lol), i'm having tons of ideas for paintings and things i can do, i wanna learn art so bad, even if that means i need to move to another town and make stupid decisions, tbh i'm still a little hesitent to just drop architecture out of nowhere, i know architecture is such a rich course and i have so much to learn and areas to work with but i just think that's not what i want and need for my life, at the same time i think i'm taking college way too seriously and believing it's gonna change me interly when in reality it's me the one that needs to change and look for knowledge myself, not relying on teachers and university.. i think something that is proving this is my instagram account, i literally posted 8 photos this year, and 3 of those photos were taken this week (follow me btw!). SEE i told you i'm getting way too emotional attached to blue period i HATE this it makes so many thoughts popping in my head, i just wanna live without thinking i wanna be an amoeba.

anyways, miyuki nakajima is incredible, i'm kinda binging her discography (currently addicted on aishiteru to ittekure) while reading her lyrics on this amazing site, her lyrics are so sincere and powerfull, i can feel the sadness on her voice, i think that's what distinct a singer-songwriter to other type of artists, since it's her who wrote the lyrics i think she can relate a lot more to the lyrics she's singing to, personally my favorite is 'おまえの家', in this song she tells the story about a woman that's visiting her ex-boyfriend and all the thoughts that pop into her head while seing how her loved one changed so much over the years, even thought i never had a relationship in my life i can kinda relate to that, from times when i visited old friends of mine and various thoughts passed throught my head, it's something like 'i don't know if i used to be like them, or they changed, or i changed, or we both changed so much over the years', i don't know if that's the best way to describe this.

something i spent my time this week is making gifs for tumblr, i discovered this program called vapoursynth and it makes things sooo much easier, since photoshop can be really slow and irritating to work with, not to mention that the quality is amazing, i made a few and posted both on my main tumblr and my stan tumblr, i really liked how it turned out and i don't really care if it didn't had much notes lol, i think that's it for this ~week, lol i wrote a lot today, every week i tend to write more and more on the same period of time, i think i'm getting used to this, i usually take about 1 hour to write one entry and that time is really precious to me, it's like a self discovery time, i know i'm probably writing things wrong but i'm not worried about that, my goal here is not to get better in english, it's to understand my thoughts better and share things somewhere, twitter is too public for that and a physical diary is too tiring/personal, i think this is the perfect place for this, i can write publicly and at the same time i don't think anyone is reading this lol.

8 • 14/12/2020 • 10:03pm
listening to: jessie ware - what's your pleasure?
watching: big mouth lol
reading: blue period

i did the bucket hat! it was garbage! today i spent the day alone making it so i was a lit disapointed but that's ok, i don't expect to be great at my first try, my day was pretty shit but my weekend was good! which is rare, most of my weekends are shit too, i'm still reading blue period and the more i read and search about art school the more i want to drop architecture and move to visual arts, i really don't know what i was thinking, maybe i thought i was gonna like architecture one way or another but turns out i always liked arts so.. why change right.. i spoke with a few art students from brazil so i can understand a little bit about how's the course here, i don't feel much confident only researching from gringo sources, and i feel really safe asking questions to other students... it really makes me think about my friend from architecture that said she just knew art would be my thing, but i don't wanna create high expectations cause what if it doesn't work..

the interests page is up! i'm so happy with how it turned out, i think the music page looks really cute hehe, i still need to finish writing my movie recommendations but the coding for the movie page is already done and it's really pretty.. ok so after writing a bit i can finally make this blend with all the writing so not everyone can read lol, i'm really in need of a boyfriend right now.. i'm not usually the type of person that is always like ohh i want a boyfriend or anything but i saw a video yesterday on twitter and omg 。゚(。ノωヽ。)゚。... i want what they have so bad.. i wanna dance with someone on the kitchen while listening to whatever you know.. idk maybe it's cause i'm kinda down right now.. i have someone i like and i think he likes me back but i'm way too shy to make any move.. anyways gonna eat glass now.

i think i'm gonna travel in christmas, my friend asked me to go to her house on christmas and both of my parents are fine with it so... but i don't know yet, maybe i'll talk to her about passing the new year's day so my sister can come with me, it'll be fun, i really like to see her on the end of the year, last year it was pretty amazing, i always have so much fun when i'm with her.. i miss going out and partying (╥﹏╥), this is year was suposed to be my redemption year but corona happended so.. but i have a feeling next year is gonna be better! the vaccine is almost out and i just KNOW everything is gonna be fine.. not even another pandemic can take 2021 from me.

i managed to watch one (1) movie lol, it was like father like son (2013) by hirokazu koreeda, it was great i really like his films, they are really calm and it reminds me to take my time and just live my life without much worries, i'm also listening a lot to jessie ware's new album (what's your pleasure) omg it's SO good.. my favorite tracks are 'what's your please', 'save a kiss' and 'step into my life', but this type of album i switch my favorite songs all the time, i pretend to make a page of my favorite records of 2020 in my music page, but first i need to update more stuff hehe.. anyways i think that's it, it took me more then a week to write here again but this weekend i was way too relaxed to try to write about anything hahaha, but i noticed my entries are being longer each week, i guess i'm getting used to writing :D.

7 • 06/12/2020 • 11:56pm
listening to: t.a.t.u. - how soon is now?
watching: kamikaze girls
reading: innocent rouge, blue period

after a few emotional breakdowns this week and a therapy session i'm doing actually fine, my therapist said i need to take a few weeks off, even thought i don't actually do anything with my life i demand too much of myself and at the end of the day i end up doing nothing and feeling worst then i was already, i failed the only subject i'm doing in college and i felt like shit, but it's ok i'm gonna get over this soon i hope, i realized my dream of doing art school is still not over so i think i'll try to take the tests to see if i can get in the only good art school in my state, i regret so much not studying and aiming high after high school, but i don't wanna write about that anymore..

i started learning how to sew! after i found a few amazing sites with pages about clothing and fashion i became so interested in sewing, i always complain about how clothes never fit me and i never find things i want in stores, but i never realized i could actually learn how to sew and make myself my own clothes, a neocities site that really inspired me was incessant pain :D, i made a mask with my mom's help (the machine is hers lol) and i'm super proud of how it came out.. it was hard at first, my stitch would always get crooked and i had to undo everything and redo, but after i got the hang of it it became pretty simple actually, i wanna try to make a bucket hat that i saw in a youtube video, the only problem is that the machine is on my mom's house and everytime i go there i feel so strange, i don't know, there some things there that make me feel kinda unconfortable.

i'm creating a new page for the site! it will replace the 'stan' page (i already took it down btw), it will feature all my interests and a lot of text hahaha, it will also have a collection, review and favorites page for my music interests and a different page for my movie recomendations and reviews and more! (i hope) :D, i'm pretty happy with how it's turning it out, the site is almost completing 2 months and i'm still working hard to make everything the way i want, it's a really good sign cause i usually drop the things i'm doing in one/two weeks.

i wanna try to come back into wathing movies, i was talking to my friend yesterday about it and i really miss it, i watched kamikaze girls today and oh my god, sooo good, i loved all the fashion choices made on the movie, but momoko's outfits are so amazing, i can totally understand her character just by seing her style, i never watched an anna tsuchiya movie but she definetly impressed me, the movie moves so fast but it doesn't feel tiring at all, seeing momoko sewing makes me more exited to learn more and more about sewing (ღ˘⌣˘ღ), i started watching like father like son (2013 hirokazu koreeda) today but i couldn't finish it, anyways i think that's it for today, i'm trying to include more pictures on my diary page, i just think it's fun lol

6 • 26/11/2020 • 01:48pm
listening to: lily chou chou - arabesque
watching: ~
reading: innocent rouge

i wanna get better but i don't know how

this week started really weird, i woke up on monday and there was no one at home, i felt like i got a hangover even thought i don't drink nor use drugs for at least 6 months, last week i started exercising again and it's been... good i guess, it's really tiring and my coach is really tough.. but i've been dealing well with it, the last couple of days were really depressing for some reason, so many negative thoughts have been popping in my head, i know they don't make any sense but they're still there, i don't know how to describe it.

my therapist gave me a questionnaire about my life and it's so hard, my memory only goes back to 2017 i guess, earlier then that i only have like flashbacks about some things that happneded, nothing special, it has so many tough questions like "list your 5 biggest fears" or "i feel guilty about ____" but it really got me thinkings about how much i don't know myself, i don't know who i am, what i really like, what i want to do or how i want to do things, i guess things can get better after some time going to therapy, but it's hard cause it's only 2 times at a month.

i don't wanna write stuff here only when i'm sad or depressed so i'm going to talk about what i've been doing! not much tbh but i'm learning a new song on the keyboards and it's been kinda magic to see how i've been improving even thought i don't practice a lot, i really don't want to give up this time, i want to go as further as possible, i also painted a bit, i really liked how this turned out, it's juyeon from the boyz, their photoshoot for the last album was amazing and had really interesting lights, so i decided to paint this one since i really like how the shadows hit his nose, i didn't paint the mouth cause it was too hard and since it's only a study i don't wanna worry too much about that.

now back to the depressing thoughts lol, i've been watching a lot of drum covers recently and omg i miss drums so so so much (。╯︵╰。), tbh my band experience was not the best of all time so after we split up i kinda got dispirited on learning drums, playing indie was such a curse in my life omg i hate this genre of music so much right now, i can't even listen to a strokes song again without wanting to puke, there were so many things i could've learned when i had the oportunity, i should've learned all the kate bush discography or something, instead i got so stuck to what the band was proposing that i totally lost what i really liked to do and got really frustrated, now i don't have a place to practice my acoustic drums nor the skills i had before.

anyways, that's it i guess, i haven't write for more then a week (not really what i wanted but ok), writing is hard but it's good, i'll try to write more
5 • 14/11/2020 • 02:36pm
listening to: isao tomita - arabesque no.1
watching: ~
reading: marginal, one piece and vagabond.

so another week has passed, it was pretty intense but i feel like i needed a little shaking in my life, i cried a lot the other day and it was good, it's been a while since last cried, i don't know why i'm so bad with emotions.

my looking for a job is progressing in baby steps, i'm doing a few curses on linkedin learning so i can have a few certificates on my curriculum, i applied for a job at a shop near by and i'm already thinking about how my life would turn out if i got it, i know i'm not gonna get it cause i have no experience at all and my curriculum only has competencies but idk, i'll do my best, i want to be able to afford a japanese class and buy my cds if i want to, and also use my time for something other then looking for random websites on neocities (not that i don't love doing that lol)..

yesterday a good friend of mine that lives in another town would come to my house and we would drink and eat doritos with guacamole but she unfortunately didnt make it :( i was really sad, i don't see a friend of mine in almost 8 months so it would be nice to talk to someone and have fun, but anyways, things like that happen..

right now i'm reading marginal, by moto hagio (again) and omg it's so amazing, i love how she creates a whole world in just a few chapters and it doesn't feel tiring at all, i'm also listening a lot of old idols lately, like yukiko okada and kyoko koizumi, i'm spending a lot of time in the idollica site (it's so funny lol) on the wayback machine (perfect website), it's fun to know a little bit more about the idols i like.. btw tried to update the site a little by adding a photo of mine and a gallery page, i really liked how the gallery page turned out and i'm waiting to add more photos to it! i want to add photos that i took in 35mm a few years ago (i actually have a film roll that i finished like two years ago and didn't get the pictures developed yet so i don't have any idea whats inside, i'm really exited about that)

i'm not really in the mood for writing right now i feel like i don't know much what to write (different from my last 2 entries that were kilometric) so that's it for today i guess, maybe i'll make another entry this week if i feel like it.

4 • 05/11/2020 • 01:25pm
listening to: kylie minogue - supernova
watching: ~
reading: the heart of thomas, marginal and vagabond.

omg it's been more then a week since i last updated the site.. i feel like i'm letting it go a little bit but i'll try my best so i can finish this and update my diary as much as i can! cause it really makes me feel good when i write stuff and upload my stuff in here, it's almost... therapeutic.

october has ended! :( so sad omg, my favorite month of the year, i love spooky season sooo much, i try to watch as much horror movies as i can, i managed to watch 21 movies in spooky season, it was less then last year but that's ok, my goal is not to watch like 50 movies, its just to have fun and watch things i enjoy.

i just finished a bunch of mangas that i was reading, it was great to finally move on, i was reading only them for a couple of months and it was starting to get boring ~so boring i stopped reading for like 2 weeks in the beggining of october~, but now i'm reading vintage shoujos, i've been really interested in that, expecially the moto hagio ones, her style of drawing is so iconic and pretty, i can see why she's one of the most popular vintage manga artists, i've only read like a couple of chapters but it's so good omg, i'm planning to read a few iconic vintage shoujos and start the clamp ones since they are so popular too..

i also read shimanami tasogare and it was a singular experience, i was so emotional devastated and had so many thoughts in my head about it, i wrote a few notes in anilist so i thought i would share it here:

that hurts.. for reminding me that i can live calmly and i don't have to take life so seriously, i can live things on my own time and i don't have to rush things, things don't need to be extreme all the time and even when things are bad they're good somewhere in the world. beautiful beautiful beautiful.

btw, i'm really happy that i changed my therapist and now i'm with a great one, she's so kind and thoughtful, it was really a shock in my first session when she didnt touched her phone at all, so different from my older one ~who sometimes even sent voice messages to students and colleagues in the middle of the session~, i have a feeling that this time my treatment will go well and hopefully i can start finally lowing my medicine after 3 years taking pills every single day, the only problem is that her session is really expensive, so i'm trying to apply for a job so i can see her every week instead of two times in a month, it would also be good so i could use my time a little better and have a routine, fingers crossed so i can get a job soon!

i feel like i don't have much to talk about here so sometimes i'll just write random stuff, i'm ok with that..

3 • 10/25/2020 • 01:48am
listening to: iu - the visitor
watching: friday the 13th
reading: nana, one piece and innocent.

it's been a couple of days since i last updated but that's fine, as i said my days are pretty boring i don't do much, i'm getting used now to my new hair lol it's pretty weird and i still try to roll it in my fingers but they're too short for that..

i decided that i want to organize my life but i've decided that many times so idk if this time is for real, it sucks that i think like that cause it's not very motivating... but i'll try my best, i want to try to find balance between doing what i enjoy for fun and studying, i've been having a really hard time in quarentine but i realized how life is not suposed to be over.. if i'm careful i don't think it should be a problem for me to enjoy things with my friends without feeling guilty, i get so scared of going out, i haven't seen most of my friends in more than 7 months, tbh idk if they're my friends or colleagues but that's other story, and i don't have much problem with that.

i just whatched the beggining of a vlive that kevin and chanhee ~from the boyz~ made a couple of weeks ago, chanhee makes me realize that i'm someone that can live in peace and with no rush, i'm still young, i can take care and enjoy my stuff, i want to try so many things, i want to learn japanese, mandarin, russian, drums, keyboard, architecture, anatomy, shading, painting, history, filosophy, political theory, i want to read books, mangas, comics, graphic novels, poems, chronicles, but i also want to watch movies, tv series, animes, i want to listen to rock, pop, jazz, prog, edm, i want to stuff more than my head can take in my brain because if i have all that reference i can be someone better... but i don't have to. i want to detox, i want to get rid of my vices and live a normal life, i want to live a normal life so bad, i just want a routine, a small time that i feel happy for resting, i want to be so busy that i don't have time to think about stuff minor stuff that's happening in 4 days and how someone will react when i say something and projecting their thoughts in my head, but at the same time i'm thinking "how dare you think you're so special" but i'll not elaborate on that.

i know that in a couple of years i'm gonna look at this and think omg i was so stupid, but it makes me think about what i'm doing here writing in this html editor on neocities, finding things to write about can be a little ~hard, so i thought today i'll just write this bunch of stuff that has been marinating in my brain, i don't think anyone is reading my posts and that's ok, i just want to throw what i'm thinking somewhere, this got really long, but who cares?

2 • 10/22/2020 • 09:53pm
listening to: hamasaki ayumi - depend on you
reading: nana, one piece and innocent.

so today i dyed and cutted my hair!! i used a photo of taeyong from nct as a reference and the lady cutted it too short D: but the color looks really nice, i like how its kinda multicolor.. it has differents shades of blue on it, if i take a good selfie i will upload it here haha..

i also started my first shrine! it's not going how i thought it would go but i still got time so i'm not worring much about it, it's for ayumi! ~spoiler!~, she's one of my favorites artists ever, if not my favorite, her songs are so unique and she's able to get every style she likes and put it into her music without souding out of place, i just love her so much omg.

i think that's it.. my day was pretty bland cause i spent it on the salon hahaha, i don't have much to talk about, but thats ok!

1 • 10/21/2020 • 01:57pm
listening to: crystal kay - ex-boyfriend
reading: nana, sakamichi no apollon, one piece and innocent.

hello! this is my first diary entry, it still is a little awkward to try to write a diary in english and on the internet where anyone can see it but idk, it's fun, i've been wanting to write about my life somewhere for a while now, i've realized that since my interests are always changing i can easily forget what i was into in the last couple of months or so, so this can be a little time capsule and hopefully i can see this in a couple of years and remind of my times in quarentine...

what i've been into the last couple of days is basically html, i've been spending a lot of time into this site and i'm actually happy.. my life is kinda boring tbh, i'm only making one college subject ~revit~, and it's quite simple so i don't really have anything to do with the rest of my time, i decided to take a time off from college cause since the quarentine started things got really messy and everything i had against my university got even worse, so i decided to take my time and come back when this mess is over ~but idk if it's gonna ever be over D:ּ~

i'm also reading nana! i read parakiss last month and got really addicted to it, it's amazing, i love how ai yazawa write her stories and all the references she puts into it, parakiss' fashion references and nana's punk references are amazing, i've known about nana and parakiss for quite some time by now cause my sister is a huge fan of both, i never really got interested in this type of manga until now, i'm really happy i took some time to read it :D

i was gonna write more but i just realized how big this post got lol, i don't mean to write so people can read it i just want to have a oportunity to put my thoughts somewhere, so i'm not too worried about the size, anyways if you read it until here.. thanks ? lol.